Sarin (clint) (sarin000) wrote,
Sarin (clint)

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Sins of the Past

It's strange, I haven't updated in a while, I used to update this thing so regularly. I was skimming over some old entries from a few years back and realized a few things. One, I censored the crap out of my journal. I still do to some extent, but then, it was different. I had a lot to censor out. My feelings, my emotions, my desires, and lots of other things. I don't really have the desire to dig into all of that, but I do know that things of recent past are making some things harder as of late.

A foolish mistake on my part has hurt someone, and even though it's effectively over (the situation) it's still coming back to haunt me. Ever wish you could go back in time and change a few things? I know a lot of things I'd change (see 2001) but hey, what can I do? The mistake is resolved now I should point out, but still, I shouldn't have been so blind.

So, what is the thing I would most definitely change out of everything? Well that depends, if things managed to work out to where I am today, but with some improvements I guess the thing I would most change was how I handled my schooling, college to be specific.

I was such a waste of a student. I would never go to class, and barely managed to show up for tests. I don't know why I did this, I really wasn't doing anything. I'd like to think I was at home busying myself with other projects or what not, but I'm sure I just wasted the time doing nothing, or playing videogames or whatever.

So...over two years I wasted, managed to even get kicked out of school twice, because of stupid decisions and my inability to come to the realization I need to grow up and take control of my life.

Happy things have changed now, but I can't help I've wasted nearly 4 years that I could have done so much more with. I'm currently unemployed, I'm doing great in school, and I have a terrific girlfriend whom I could not ask anything more of. She’s the picture of perfection and I'm thank God I have her each day. If only for that one aspect do I not regret my choices up to this point. She really is something of a miracle worker. I've grown so much because of her, and I can't really deny that it isn't a fact. To look at me almost 2 years ago and compare that Clint with the one who stands before you today, you'd say "you had more hair then" and you'd also take note to my maturity (though I'm something of a clown all the same) but that I really to strive for success in my school work. It's the one thing that I am focusing on just under Jess. Unfortunately, I can't give Jess the full amount of attention she deserves, but in her perfection, she's able to understand that, and I know that I'm a lucky man for having her.

I realize this post is sort of cheesy to some, and to others it's over gratuitous perhaps? I just wanted to expel some feelings that were locked inside me. I don't often open myself up anymore, I don't know why. I hide a lot of strange emotions these tions these days. I don't even really understand it, but sometimes the smallest thing really gets to me and I feel my eyes somewhat water. I think I'm just slightly depressed from some of the things I've done in my past. I could never truly reveal some of those things here, for the consequences (real or imaginary) would be far to great and I'm not a strong enough man to handle them. I think only Jess truly knows those things and very few others have a faint idea. It's not important anyway, but it does bug me to no end. Strangely, I was able to put most of that stuff out of my mind for so very long, and eventually IW as able to tell Jess of my terrible deeds. Rather than shy away from my and leave me hanging, she took me in her arms and told me it was ok. An angel.

What can I do now? I really have no regrets anymore. To dwell in the past is to prevent myself from achieving my future. I guess I just wanted to place into words the way I've felt I was saddened that I hadn't updated in so long, not because things haven't happened in my life (on the contrary, so very many interesting and wonderful things have happened as of late, its really stupid that I haven’t updated) and yet still I refuse to. I guess I knew that when I did update, I wouldn't be able to get to the actual things that have happened without confronting the ordeals that floated in my mind so casually to eventually be brought to the fore front of my thoughts. I will update though, soon, about all the wonderful things as of late, like the band, and my incredible valentines day romantic weekend, and so many other great things. I'm doing well in school, in family, and friends. Really the only depressing thing I have is that I have no job, due to schedule problems, and perhaps a bit of my own stubbornness in avoiding working in the food industry any longer. I guess I see myself above it.

But that's enough, I've taken forever to write this entry, I'm tired. I wanted to go to sleep over an hour and a half ago now, but I sat here staring at my screen, waiting for the words to fall from my mind and to share what I've been trying to express. Strangely, most of this will probably strike most as nothing more that pure drivel, that's ok, I understand that even I can't read such long self serving posts. If you've made it this far, I must thank you.

I've also taken note of an annoying character trait of mine. I have utmost desire for praise. I need reassurance, to be told that I'm doing good, and that things that I do are good. It has to be absolutely annoying to those around me, and for that, I'm sorry, I shall work on it. I know I've pointed out this flaw before, but I've never tried to over come it. I guess this stems from low self esteem or something, I don't know for sure.

I've exhausted my thoughts. Half of me wants to write more, but the other half realizes that I usually post to my journal because I desire to read comments, though I know that no one will comment on this entry. It's strange, I write something meaningless and I'll get so many comments, and I write something like this and people avoid it like the plague. I was once told that people are afraid to comment due to their lack of anything to say to the situation. I think I tend to start my entries with a problem and manage to talk myself into some sort of resolution. It's a typical pattern that I've been following lately, when I looked back on the more serious entries as of late. Is Live journal my form of therapy? Would it be wrong to comment on someone's thoughts? I guess it would feel that way.

I know it's time to move on.
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